Friday, February 5, 2010

Does My Child Have ADD?

Many of you know that Gabe is all over the place most of the day. He's a high-energy, highly motivated kid. He's persistent in most things, whether it's disobedience, a new skill he's trying to learn, or asking for something he wants to have or do. He has a hard time sitting still at the dinner table and might get out of his seat four or five or more times when he should be sitting down eating. If I'm talking to him, I might have to remind him three or four or more times to look at me while I'm talking to him. If I ask him to do something, he gets easily distracted and will stop in the middle of carrying out his task to do something else instead.

These and other "indicators" are often determined to be signs of Attention Deficit Disorder. So does he have this disorder? Hmmmm...

After hearing people suggest this a couple of times or hearing them compare Gabe to their children who have already been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, I began to think about this a bit. After weighing it out, here is my conclusion: I do NOT think that Gabe has something called Attention Deficit Disorder, and here is why.

He does focus on things. For example, he'll play with two toys in a sink full of water for HOURS at a time. Often he's just focused on something different than what I want him to be focused on. When he's supposed to be sitting at the table and is getting up four or five or twelve times, he's focused on something else... playing. He doesn't care about eating. He wants to play. He's persistently going after what he's focused on. He's disobeying, sure. He needs consistency in correction and training so that he is able to submit to authority even when he doesn't want to.

It may be irritating, because I want my dinner time to be quiet and relaxing and free of interruptions so that I can talk to Chet or just take a break from parenting. But I don't always get what I want, do I? Just as Gabe isn't getting what he wants (to focus on playing), I don't always get what I want (a dinner time set aside to focus on conversation and relaxation). Just as Gabe is sitting there struggling to focus on his assigned task (eating dinner), I'm struggling to focus on my assigned task (to parent him and train him up in the way he should go). In the end, we BOTH want to be doing something else, and we can both very easily be frustrated by the mandate handed down to us by the "one" in authority. In either case, there is a departure from the Lord's will. We're both sinning, because we want something other than what the Lord has given us.

Do not read this as an excuse for my child's behavior. There are no good excuses for dishonoring God-given authority. I'm simply suggesting that he doesn't need to be medicated into doing what I want him to do. He needs to be trained up to do God's will, which is to submit to rightful authority... which means that we, as his parents, often have to submit to the authority of the Lord who commands us to do the hard, labor-intensive work of focusing on training our children... even when we'd rather be doing something else.

11 comments:

Nikki said...

I really appreciate this blog! Too often parents want a diagnosis to excuse their child's behavior.
Parenting is hard work and a diagnosis of ADHD does not give them a free pass to stop training and teaching their children.

Unknown said...

Yes. Good thoughts.
I think that some of the ADHD is our shift as adults thinking that kids should act like adults. Maybe if our expectations were more in line with reality then we would be better equipped.
I saw a major difference in my boy in his 4yr.. he went from bouncing everywhere to sitting and doing puzzles & duplos. He started to get cause/effect... mainly disobey/discipline. It was a breath of fresh air.. because I had thought he was deaf or slow or something isn't right.. but I really think my expectations of a 1,2,3 yr old boy were too high.

Anonymous said...

He's 3 1/2 yrs. old!!! He's not a robot to be programmed. He's got lots of energy. Maybe he needs to be around more/different kids. Yes-discipline needs to be consistent & with love. He's just more assertive than some kids. He TRULY is SMART & talented.

Phyllis said...

Mom, I'm guessing that last comment was from you. Just to be clear, what I was trying to get at is that he has a more persistent (read "leader-like") personality... which may make training him a bit more challenging in certain ways. If we're not faithful to be consistent with him, then the chances are even greater that he'll have trouble submitting to rightful authority (God and otherwise). We would be doing him a disservice. On the other hand, if we just inappropriately assign his tendencies and personality as a disorder, then we throw out the good with the bad.

As for interaction with other kids, he gets that just about every waking minute of the day. :) And then of course a couple of other times throughout the week as well.

I wasn't writing this to complain about Gabe. I was actually writing it to let people know why I don't think that there's something inherently wrong with my son... other than the same sinful nature that every person possesses... and that it's our job to help train him without squashing the characteristics that are also going to be used in a mighty way if he submits his life to the Lord.

We're already starting to notice exactly what Linda mentioned above, which is fantastic and a support for the patient training idea.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you meant all along. Thanks for the explanation anyway-it wasn't needed. The only part I don't understand is Gabe's being around other /different kids. He's with Ladan & Claire unless he has imaginary friends:) :) LOL

Phyllis said...

Yeah, I only said that because so many people think that homeschooled kids or preschoolers of stay-at-home-moms don't get to interact with "other" kids... all the while forgetting that they have siblings around all day long. Gabe's siblings are very different from him in many ways but also enjoy many of the same things as he does... similar to if he were in a class of children his age all day. I know you're not being critical of the fact that I stay home with them or anything, so don't read it that way.

One of the discussions that has been kind of ongoing in our house and within the church is the problems that occur with continually dividing kids out by their age for things. By the time they get to college or graduate college, they still think that in order to be involved in something, everyone else there has to be "like" them. We've heard it over and over and over again from students and young adults and are recognizing the opportunity we have to attempt to raise our children in a way that discourages this kind of self-centeredness... and promotes the ability to work well with people of all ages and consider them friends. If we count all the times they see other people outside our family in a week, then they're definitly seeing other people enough.

Anonymous said...

I'll continue to keep all my grand-children in my prayers. I'll also pray for ALL parents to keep an open mind so they'll listen to others & consider what's being said. Most of the time people are trying to be helpful/supportive & save some grief. It doesn't hurt to reflect/evaluate what someone says. I've learned ALOT about myself from comments made in general, even from people I didn't care for or aren't quite "all there". Even people who don't believe as we do (whatever the subject) can have alot to contribute. It sure makes life interesting! :) :)

Harriet said...

I clicked on your blog from Lana's Facebook (just to let you know) If you don't remember me, I have a blogsite with a picture on it. It's www.whatHehasdoneformysoul.blogspot.com
Anyway, just some observations from a mom whose ADD kids is now 25 & about to start a PHD next fall. 1) Sometimes people w/ ADD can hyperfocus on things -they have troulbe seeing the forrest for the tree they are focused on so intently. So, unfortunatly the ability to focus doesn't neccesarily mean he is not ADD. But... 2) I agree with your choice not to medicate when possible. My son was never medicated for ADD. It took a lot of extra effort & interference between me & his teachers but he made it without meds. Don't get me wrong, if a parent thinks meds are needed, I am not saying otherwise, but even if a kid has ADD, it is ok not to medicate. At least that's my experience. So that brings me to my last point, It's also ok to make excuses for your child! (not that you are...but its just that it is ok for moms to try to understand her kid in such a way that they even understand his reasons for acting the way he does. Mom's are supposed to love their kids the best & be in their kid's court. And I think mom's do this better then anyone else in the world! Follow your instincts. God gave them to you for HIs reasons. He has equipped only you to be your kid's mom!
blessings,
Harriet

ps. And also some of the finest people I know have ADD. :)

Michelle said...

I am struggling A LOT with the
'Does my child have ADD?" question as well. My daughter is 8 and has shown a 'lack of focus' as her teachers say. I have seen 'signs' of this lack of focus as well .. but ADD?? I am not prepared to let medication take over for me as her parent. I am SO dedicated in raising her and training her in God's will ..

The struggle becomes - what am I to do as her mother when her teachers and doctors have suggested that she be tested??

Phyllis said...

Michelle,

I think you might be very encouraged by the previous commenter, Harriet. If you click on her profile, you can get to her link. I bet you can get in touch with her that way.

I don't know a whole lot about the details of the testing, but I do know that even if you do the testing they're recommending, you are still her mom and have the final say about how you handle it. Harriet may have some good advice about how to handle this in a school setting for sure. We're homeschooling, so I won't have the same perspective I'm sure.

I also know that there are quite a few things you can do aside from medication to help her. For example, you can research dietary changes that may help her (even if it doesn't take away all signs of an issue). There are supplements like Peter Gillham's Natural Calm Kids Calm (see Amazon) that can help keep her from fidgeting all over the place if that's an issue. I've also heard of kids being helped by having something like Timberdoodle Thinking Putty to just play with in their hands which may help them pay attention better.

And then, of course, there's that extra training, discipline, and patience that must come in. Again, Harriet may have other ideas for where to find help with this. She is a very godly woman who LOVES the Lord, so she will speak from a perspective that I'm sure you'll appreciate.

Harriet, I hope you don't mind me directing Michelle your way. Thanks for your comments. Apparently they were timely and helpful for more than one mom!

Harriet said...

Thanks for your kind words but just for the record...I am not godly - not by a long shot. I do love the Lord with all my heart and I may be God-fearing, but I am not godly. I won't be godly until I am someday transformed into His likeness & live with Him. But until then, God-fearing is the best I can hope to be. :)