Loving Others Well

Yesterday I took Gabe to a follow-up appointment with his surgeon. That went well, and we don't have to go back. I was reminded again how much I like that doctor and appreciate his thorough care for our family, but that's not what this post is mainly about.

While we were waiting to see the doctor, the boys were looking at the fish in the tank. Beside us was a boy in his wheelchair. I couldn't tell exactly what his diagnosis would have been, but it looked like he may have had severe cerebral palsy. He couldn't move his head on his own. He had a tracheotomy. He couldn't swallow his own saliva... so his mom had to suction it out of his mouth with a motorized suction tube like those used at the dentist. He had a feeding tube. His body was disproportionate. He had beautiful brown eyes. I coudn't tell how old he was. It doesn't really matter.

Ladan didn't really pay too much attention to him until his mom had to turn on the suction device and dry his mouth out. This caused Ladan to look and wonder what the noise was... and then he noticed how different the boy looked and started to point some things out. "He's very thirsty, Mom." The boy's mom said, "Yes he is." Then Ladan asked with a very confused look on his face, "Why does he have blankets all over him?" I explained that he was probably chilly because it was cooler than it had been for a few days, so he probably just needed an extra blanket to stay warm. I learned the boys name at this point, but for the sake of anonymity, I'll call him "Joey" here.

I walked over and looked Joey in the eye and said hello to him. I touched his shoulder gently and told him it was nice to meet him. Then I made the mistake of asking Ladan to say "hello". Just the night before, we had to correct him for not saying hello to someone on the phone (realizing that it's important that he obey when we ask him to say something... even if he doesn't want to or feels like doing something else instead). This situation with Joey was exactly the type of thing that motivates us. There are just times when our kids (or we ourselves) don't really feel like interacting with people, but sometimes it's not all about us. It's about how we can make that person feel loved. Well, anyway, Ladan did not want to say hello. Then Gabe didn't want to say hello either. Tears started streaming down Joey's face, and he became very upset. I was heartbroken. I apologized to him and his mom, and then he was called in to be examined by the doctor.

When they went in, I talked to Ladan about why it's so important to be friendly to people. God calls us to love others, and this is one important way we can show people love, just by greeting them with a friendly smile... even when they can't smile back or say hello to us. I explained that God made Joey differently than Ladan, that God loves Joey, and that the noise of his suction tube might have sounded scary, but that it's just something his mom uses to care for and help him. Then we went over some possible things he could say to Joey if we saw him again before leaving the appointment. Ladan was quick to let me know that he wouldn't make a bad face (with a furrowed brow), but that he'd make a nice face (with bright wide open eyes and a smile). When I asked him what he could say, he suggested, "Hi!" or "See you next time!" or "Have a nice day!" He was ready, and he kept his eyes out for Joey.

Unfortunately, we didn't see Joey again before we left. But I was literally sick to my stomach thinking about it all. I so want to help my kids work through the fear and uncertainty of interacting with people with different ability levels or different appearances. I want to help them to find strategies for showing all kinds of people love. I could just take them down to the children's hospital and walk around talking about the kids and testing my own kids to see how they respond. But if they made "only" three kids cry before they got it right, we would have crushed the hearts of three precious children just so my kids could learn a lesson. I basically had no idea what I'd do to help them without using other kids with feelings as their training agents.

I called my cousin, Leslie, right away. Her third child (2 1/2 years old) has a rare chromosomal disorder (and I'm not entirely sure that they've really identified all of the other different things that are going on with his little body). As a result, he has many "little" things wrong with his body that all add up to some pretty major things. He has a feeding tube and he doesn't talk very much. However, he can walk and run around, and he learns new things every day. He goes to therapy a couple times a week. As a result, Leslie's two older kids are exposed to children with disabilities far worse than their little brother's. I asked her how she prepared Cameron and Amelia for these encounters. She basically answered by saying that, because they were sort of thrown into it all with Andrew, starting with his feeding tube at home, she didn't have to think of ways to help them. It's just part of their lives. However, she had some VERY helpful suggestions for me, and I wanted to record them here in case they might be helpful to you as well. She suggested:

• Going to the local library to check out some books (that are written for young children) that show pictures of children with disabilities and various devices that help them get through life, using the books to talk through the different things we see (wheelchairs, blank expressions on kids' faces, children who can't swallow or move on their own, children making unusual movements, etc.). This is one way to help them be exposed to various situations without being put in a position to possibly hurt another child's feelings.
• Talking to them about how God is good and about how God has a plan for these kids' lives... it just might be a different plan than he has for our boys. Then talk about how God has a different plan for EACH person but that He uses all of them for His glory.
• When we pray with our boys at night, we could pray that God would comfort all the kids out there whose legs or arms (or any other body part) don't work properly and that He'll show us how we can love them well.

She was so encouraging and gave me such concrete help. I'm thankful! In addition to heeding her advice, we do simply just need to continue training our kids to obey when we ask them to do something... even if they don't want to do it. Not that I expect them to have already arrived in this area (at the ages of 3 1/2 and 19 months), but it is definitely my role in their lives to help them grow into men who know HOW to love other people. I'm praying that this is a powerful lesson for Ladan and that he will be quick to greet people in the future. To support his learning, I'm going to head to the library and do just what Leslie recommends.

If you have additional suggestions, please send them my way!