Thoughts On Adding a Third Child (or Fourth, Fifth, etc.)

I had a friend ask for some helpful thoughts as she prepares to move from two to three kids. Here are some of the things I shared...

1. Try to schedule some extra help right away, but also again at about weeks 6, 7 and 8 when you've reached the peak of your exhaustion. It's such a blessing to have someone come and take the olders to the park in the morning so you can rest, enjoy a little quiet, or just get something done that's driving you crazy. If that person can also put the baby in the stroller and go for a walk with all three kids for 45 minutes, you'll be amazed at how refreshed you are when it's over.
2. For me, it's sometimes not easier for someone to be in my house helping me. It's actually easier if, once every couple weeks, Chet can take all the kids out for an hour and a half (between me feeding Will) so I can be in the house by myself to get things done or just collect myself.
3. Suggestions of spending time with each kid are great. And it's also true that it might only be 5 minutes. Somehow, the Lord multiplies that 5-10 minutes so that it means a lot more than that to the kids.
4. Remember that babies don't often die from crying. If you have to leave the baby laying down screaming his/her face off for a few minutes so you can pick up your screaming toddler, that's okay. It's not quiet. But it's okay.
5. Try to be conscientious of the fact that you're asking your kids to drop what they're doing regularly to help you... and be willing to drop what you're doing every once in a while to help them too. Not always. I am certainly not kid-centric around here... but I definitely don't want my kids feeling like they're put on this planet just to help me.
6. Consistency with discipline is key, and at the same time consistency with attention is key. As you consistently pay attention to your kids, they become assured that your discipline is really for their individual good and not just because they've interrupted you again.
7. Make plans and try to improve them when they're not working... but mostly realize that no day can look exactly like any other day. The Lord will challenge you to become more and more flexible, to grow in grace more and more, and to die to yourself and become content in Him more and more every day. As you are growing in this, your kids will see where your joy comes from (helps to explain it too), and you can help them grow in contentment with the things the Lord has given them as well.
8. I like to keep this thought in mind: If I sent my kids to a child care center, I wouldn't want the workers to be neglecting my kids in the name of constantly cleaning and doing projects... and I wouldn't want them neglecting the cleaning altogether in the name of playing with my kids. Sometimes the kids have to wait while you get something done, and sometimes the dishes can sit on the counter and pee in the potty seat because you're reading a story to them. It's impossible to be everything to everyone. Only God can be everything to them, so when you feel like you're failing, point them to the Lord and remind them that only He can satisfy the desires of their hearts.

I know that all of these things sound like terrible cliches and like a list of impossible demands. Hopefully, you'll just read it as thoughts to keep in mind to help you balance yourself when you feel like things are out of control. I'm in a stage right now where I just can't seem to catch up. And then I have to remember that, even if it's 5 or 20 years from now, I'll catch up... I just hope that I've spent enough time with my kids along the way that they'll come back when I'm sitting in my clean, empty house.

Did the Teen Years Come Early?

I wish I could record all of my conversations with my kids. Ladan was having a hard time sleeping, and we ended up having the best chat until 11:30. He might be tired tomorrow, but I'm hopeful that his sleep will be more restful than it would have been with all those thoughts swimming around in his head. Some of his thoughts:

• He remembered the time last semester when one of the kids in his class had an eye patch. It just so happened that his friend started wearing the patch the week after Ladan kicked the ball in dodge ball, and it accidentally hit his friend in the eye. He's been feeling guilty because he thought he hurt his friend. Turns out his friend was just having an eye problem corrected that had been there for years.
• He started thinking about how terrible it must be for kids whose parents are separated and how they might feel like half-orphans a lot of the time.
• He was concerned that his friend, Byron, might be on the opposing soccer team in PE tomorrow. He doesn't want to accidentally hurt his friend if they're both going for the ball at the same time.
• He's a little bit nervous about Saturday's basketball game against his coach and former teammate from last session. He wants to do the best job he can for his own team, but he wants their team to do a good job too.
• He's realizing that, while God has provided some really great friends here, he might never forget some of his Louisville friends for the rest of his life. I hope he's right.

These are just a few of the topics we discussed. I'm so glad he felt like he could tell me his concerns. They might seem like small potatoes to some, but for a seven-year-old, it's big stuff.

The theme throughout our discussion was how cool it is to see God working and providing what we need at every stage... even if what we need isn't the same as what we want. No matter what, He is there with us helping us when we feel alone or scared.

And at the end of it all, in a way, I'm kind of glad that I didn't have to wait until the teen years to have a late-night heart-to-heart with my kiddo.

Realistic Optimism: Lessons from a Seven-Year-Old

Earlier today, I was explaining to the kids that I want to try out an Ergo baby carrier with Claire in it (one of our local stores has them in stock and allows you to test them with your kiddos). Ladan replied, "Cool. I guess if it works, you can use it for Claire when we walk too far for her to keep up. And then, if our baby doesn't die, you can use it for the baby too." Just that matter of fact. Yes. Precisely. And WOW!

I love that he doesn't take things for granted and at the same time isn't fatalistic and woeful. We have walked through some tough situations with friends who have miscarried, friends who have had stillborn babies, friends who have had children die shortly after birth, and friends who have had children die at very young ages. As it turns out, several of our friends are dealing with trials like these right now. We explain to Ladan what's happening and how we can pray for these families throughout. Ladan has learned not to just assume that everything is always going to be fine. He tears up when he learns about the death of a baby. And he prays for the families he knows are struggling as they grieve the loss of their little ones.

At the same time, he can maintain a balance that also does not assume that something WILL go wrong. As he is fully aware that things can and do go wrong sometimes, he is also consistently looking at the bright side of things and remembering all that there is to be thankful for. He can do this in a way that doesn't make light of horrifying situations and at the same time doesn't minimize the great things that are happening. It's a pretty great characteristic for a barely-7-year-old, I think.

It's the kind of approach where you truly look forward to what's ahead and can be genuinely and overwhelmingly thankful if and when things go really well... because you know that it didn't have to be that way. You know that things could have gone really wrong. But they didn't. And that is not to be taken for granted. But what if things go wrong? Well, you knew that was a possibility. And as much as it still stinks to high heaven when you're in the middle of it, and you could be gasping for air to breathe because it's so hard, you know that there must be SOMETHING to be thankful for. You just have to find it. It might take time, but you'll find it if your eyes and heart are open.

It's realistic optimism, and I love it! It's just a hunch, but I think the Lord also delights in seeing this kind of thinking in the mind of a 7-year-old He created.

They're Only Little Once

I just finished kindergarten with Ladan today! He took his last math test this afternoon. He finished his kindergarten phonics/reading/handwriting/art/art history curriculum much earlier in the year and has just a bit of the 1st grade curriculum left to complete, but we're taking a break from that at least until July so we can enjoy the weather and his 6th birthday (June 15). Not bad for a pretty young kindergartener, I guess! And given that we've had quite a few things that have thrown us off course this year so that we squeezed our 176-day school year into 133, I'd say it's even better!

While Ladan celebrated by running through the sprinkler with his neighborhood friends, I was online purchasing next year's curriculum! I can't wait for it all to get here! :) Next year we add grammar, geography, literature, science, and lots more history to the mix. I feel like I'm going to need a month just to get myself organized! It is so much work, but it is SO WORTH IT!!!! I love it! I never thought I'd say that about homeschooling. I never even thought I'd homeschool my kids.

Claire is starting to roll all over the place. She is seriously the sweetest baby I have ever met, and I don't just say things like that about my own kids without warrant. I started to question whether or not I was just oblivious, but it's confirmed by almost everyone who meets her... everyone except the strange still model in Neiman Marcus we encountered a few weeks back when Claire was screaming her face off as we trudged through the store just to get somewhere else. For the most part, she shocks people with her good nature. The first few months with her were VERY hard when she was puking on everything in sight... but she's past that now, and it's just a memory... though sometimes I feel like I'm still recovering!

And Gabe... well, he's just a ball of life. The other night he just wanted to go for a ride in "the white car". He kept saying, "Come on, Mom. Let's go!" I had no idea where he wanted to go, and he didn't either. He just wanted to get out and see something. So I cleaned up the dishes, got Chet settled with Ladan and Claire, and I went for a drive with him. We rolled the windows down and drove into the sunset. No music. Just talking about what we saw and enjoying the night. It was refreshing and amazing! That's what I love about that kid! He knows what he wants, and he goes for it! He's got fire in him! It doesn't always turn out to be very convenient when I want him to do something that gets in the way of his personal plans, but we're getting things figured out slowly but surely.

I made cookies tonight while Chet gave the kids baths. When they were all clean, the boys came running down to me and were so excited about their cleanliness! They just had to show me how nice they looked! Funny! I got them each a cookie, and I probably heard four or five times from each of them how yummy their cookies were. I wish I could describe the look of sheer satisfaction on Gabe's face when I walked toward him with his second cookie. He closed his eyes, smiled as big as he could, drew his hands into his chest, and held his breath until his cookie landed on his plate. Priceless! Neither of the boys really knows how to fake enjoyment, so when they are extra thankful and excited about something I've done, I know it's coming straight from their hearts. Encouragement to a weary mom is what that is!

There is so much work that goes into being a mom, and there are so many things that I would absolutely love to be doing and learning that might seem more fulfilling at certain points. But I'd say that I'm learning all kinds of things right where I am, and I'm fairly certain that there is nothing else I could learn or do that is more fulfilling or rewarding in reality. Not every day feels like a reward. MANY days feel like I'm being hit by a truck and I'm crumbling. But these days. Well, they make all those other days worth it.

Rebellion, Repentance & Deliverance

The boys have been in one of those stages where they argue a lot with each other, me, Chet, their friends... pretty much everyone except for Claire who they still think is the cutest thing on earth.

Tonight we needed to run some errands. Our plan was to eat a small snack on the way to Lowe's, get what we needed there, eat pizza somewhere, and then go the grocery store for a few quick things. Let me just say that they were NOT in agreement with one another as we went through Lowe's. For some reason, and I don't know what it is, they freak out in that store and start arguing with one another about the craziest things... whose hand gets to be on which side of the cart, who gets to touch Claire's cute feet, who gets to hold the roll of tape or bottle of Krud Kutter, etc.. It's ridiculous. And then they want me to take time to let them sit on the tractors/lawn mowers. I had to take a bunch of time to correct them or reign them in about every 29 seconds as we walked through the paint supply section, so they did NOT get to ask for time to sit on tractors.

When we got to the car, I got them situated and then explained that if they argued again or disobeyed in any fashion, they would not have further warnings before consequences would be meeted out. This was serving as their reminder of how they were to behave. As I suspected, a whole minute did not pass by before they were arguing about something silly like who saw the goose on the side of the road first.

So when we stopped at the restaurant, I moved myself to the back of the vehicle and delivered their consequences. This is how Ladan responded (picture him with a very contemplative expression):

"Hmmmm... You HAVE said before that he who hates God keeps right on sinning. And he who loves God turns from his sin and turns toward God. Well, do you know how many more times I'm going to sin? ZERO!"

I explained that this is an excellent thing to strive for. And if we believe and trust that Jesus came to earth, lived a holy life without sin, died to take our punishment and rose again to defeat Satan, then He does deliver us from our sin! And He does give us an opportunity to completely turn from particular sins. However, since we're human, there are new sins that He is faithful to uncover, and this happens for our whole lives. Basically, we we are always in need of Jesus and always in need of His grace.

I could tell by his facial expression that he wasn't exactly sure what to think about that. It was clear that he really wanted to be freed from the desire to sin once and for all. I do too! In the meantime, I praise God for the grace He continually extends toward me. I pray that His grace is extended to all of my children and that they love Him more than anything else. And I look forward to the day when my sins are not only covered by the blood of Christ, but I am finally free of any inclination toward sin at all!

All of this draws me to think about Romans, chapter 8 in the Bible. The entire chapter is worth meditating on, but here are some portions that directly correlate to the discussion Ladan and I had tonight:

For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receied the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

... [W]e ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

(Romans 8:3-17, 23-25)

I'd be curious to know how these big questions of life and eternity impact others. Are you living by the flesh, or are you living by the Spirit? How do you know?

A Noteworthy Week

Monday I took Claire to the doctor. She was 6 months, 9 days old. She weighed in at 12 lbs. 10 oz. She's still a little one!

Monday evening we were able to have Holly over for dinner. Holly is a U of I student who is relatively new to Redeemer, and it was so much fun getting to hang out with her more!

Tuesday Claire got her first tooth. Later that evening she ate her first solid food. She made some of the cutest expressions while she was eating!

Wednesday was a "normal" day, which is noteworthy in itself! The funniest part of the day occurred several moments after my head hit the pillow. I was in that state of semi-consciousness halfway asleep... when suddenly I heard in my head the sound of Claire spitting up! What!?! I started laughing and then hoped I wouldn't wake Chet up. It was pretty hilarious, actually. I couldn't tell if it was funnier that I heard the sound in my head or that I actually recognized what the sound was immediately!

Thursday, we started the day at the Family Center (the homeschool co-op that we joined in the fall). Everyone had a great morning! Ladan's really fun morning quickly turned to "THE WORST DAY EVER" when he found out that his friend, Meghan, wasn't going to be able to come over that night. She had something come up, and it just wasn't going to work out. He was SO DISAPPOINTED. He cried. Several times. And repeated several times that it had become THE WORST DAY EVER.

Quick! Good response needed from his mom! I agreed with him that it was definitely disappointing that Meghan wasn't going to be able to come over and assured him that we would reschedule. He was still pretty upset. Here's how it went:

Me: "Ladan, who created everything?"

Ladan (whispering): "God."

Me: "So who is in charge of everything?"
L: "God."

Me: "WHY did God create everything, and why does He decide to do things?"

L: "For His own glory."

Me: "So why do you imagine that Meghan can't come over today?"

L: "Because it will glorify God."

Me: "That seems strange, doesn't it? That something so disappointing can be glorifying to God. And yet we know that it's true, because He says it is. Let's watch to see if we can see ways that God is glorified because He is working things out this way."

Fast forward a few hours. We had finished the school stuff we needed to do from home. Gabe was napping. Claire had been fed. I needed to run some errands, so I decided to take Ladan out for a night with Mommy. He was able to decide what he wanted to eat. Shockingly, he chose pizza.

We went to Monical's. On the way in, Ladan held the door for an elderly lady, and then she held the other door for us. It was very sweet! We enjoyed our pizza, and then we ran errands. Our final stop was Target where our goal was to find a new backpack for Ladan. I so wish I had taken an mp3 recorder to catch everything that he said throughout the night. It was one of my best nights as his mom, I'm sure. He's getting so big and is so much fun to hang out with. These are some of the things I heard from him in no particular order:

"Mom, do you know who I love? YOU!"

"Mom, when I get to be 19, I'm going to be an adult. And I'm going to be able to drive when I'm 19. [Me: You'll probably be able to drive when you're 16 if the law doesn't change.] Yep, but I'll still be able to drive when I'm 19. And then I'll get married when I'm 21. And I'll have to take care of my wife and kids. I'm working hard at school so I can provide for my wife and kids."

"Mom, what if two of my kids are fighting over... our DOG? I guess I'll have to discipline two of my kids. But I won't want to. But God says I have to, so I guess I'll have to do what he says because I love my kids."

"When I grow up and have a wife and kids, I'm going to have to protect them, Mom. What if there's a coyote coming after my wife with its chompers? I'll have to send my dog out to scare away the coyote. My dog will have to be big enough to scare away the coyote, but it can't be as big as Clifford, because then my family won't be able to fit inside our house with our dog. And if our dog doesn't scare away the coyote, then I'm going to have to FIRE him! That means that I'm going to have to shoot him DEAD! I canNOT let him get to my family and hurt them with his chompers!"

Walking through Michael's, Ladan noticed that there were some baskets that were out of place. He found where they went, and I praised him for helping the employees out by putting the baskets away. He exclaimed, "It wasn't hard to put them away! I did the right thing, Mom! It's FUN to do the right thing!"

Here are several things he said as we walked through Target:

"Mom, LOOK at all these cute dresses for Claire! She would look so CUTE in THAT ONE, Mom!" [We didn't buy any, but it was an act of sheer willpower.]

We looked at a little felt headband that had felt flower petals sticking off of it, and we determined that it would be a fun photo prop for Claire. He said, "We should get it, Mom! But you know what Dad will say. He'll say, 'You guys are CRAZY!'"

"I just really like this place. They have comfy chairs to sit in. They have food. They have clothes. They have fun things to look at. I hope we can come here again."

On the way out of the store, the electronic sensor on his new backpack caused the alarm to go off while he was wearing the backpack. He stopped dead in his tracks and wondered what in the world all that noise was about. I'm glad he didn't freak out. On the way home, I explained to him that the sensor is there because some people steal things, and the sensor allows the store employees to check to be sure that people really bought the backpacks that they're walking out with. I explained, "There are people who take things without paying for them, and the store loses money that way."

His reply: "Oh, Mom. Those people are NOT loving God then. When they take something like that, they are thinking only of themselves. That is NOT good."

"Mom, I'm still a little bit sad that Meghan didn't get to come over, but this was a really great day!"

Agreed. It WAS a great day! And it wasn't over. When we got home, Quinn (another college student that has joined Redeemer recently) was over hanging out with Chet, so we were able to join in the fun as well. We always have fantastic conversation with Quinn and are so excited to see how the Lord is using him to build the kingdom.

The grandmother of one of our friends died earlier in the week, so we made the quick drive up to Chicago on Friday evening for the visitation. The kids did so well! This was their second visitation this month. We have had some fantastic opportunities to talk about what happens when someone dies and to talk to our kids about God's judgment, salvation, the gospel, etc.

Yesterday, Chet had to work at the Y, and Ladan and I had to catch up on a little bit of school that we didn't get done during the week. I got a lot done around the house, and he did a great job with school.

Throughout the week, Gabe and Ladan have been playing so well together! They have these crazy imaginations and just have a blast! It's so much fun to hear them playing together and to hear them figure out how to work together.

Talk about a full week! It was full of blessings, leaving me overwhelmed by the very specific ways that the Lord is caring for all of us!

Does My Child Have ADD?

Many of you know that Gabe is all over the place most of the day. He's a high-energy, highly motivated kid. He's persistent in most things, whether it's disobedience, a new skill he's trying to learn, or asking for something he wants to have or do. He has a hard time sitting still at the dinner table and might get out of his seat four or five or more times when he should be sitting down eating. If I'm talking to him, I might have to remind him three or four or more times to look at me while I'm talking to him. If I ask him to do something, he gets easily distracted and will stop in the middle of carrying out his task to do something else instead.

These and other "indicators" are often determined to be signs of Attention Deficit Disorder. So does he have this disorder? Hmmmm...

After hearing people suggest this a couple of times or hearing them compare Gabe to their children who have already been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, I began to think about this a bit. After weighing it out, here is my conclusion: I do NOT think that Gabe has something called Attention Deficit Disorder, and here is why.

He does focus on things. For example, he'll play with two toys in a sink full of water for HOURS at a time. Often he's just focused on something different than what I want him to be focused on. When he's supposed to be sitting at the table and is getting up four or five or twelve times, he's focused on something else... playing. He doesn't care about eating. He wants to play. He's persistently going after what he's focused on. He's disobeying, sure. He needs consistency in correction and training so that he is able to submit to authority even when he doesn't want to.

It may be irritating, because I want my dinner time to be quiet and relaxing and free of interruptions so that I can talk to Chet or just take a break from parenting. But I don't always get what I want, do I? Just as Gabe isn't getting what he wants (to focus on playing), I don't always get what I want (a dinner time set aside to focus on conversation and relaxation). Just as Gabe is sitting there struggling to focus on his assigned task (eating dinner), I'm struggling to focus on my assigned task (to parent him and train him up in the way he should go). In the end, we BOTH want to be doing something else, and we can both very easily be frustrated by the mandate handed down to us by the "one" in authority. In either case, there is a departure from the Lord's will. We're both sinning, because we want something other than what the Lord has given us.

Do not read this as an excuse for my child's behavior. There are no good excuses for dishonoring God-given authority. I'm simply suggesting that he doesn't need to be medicated into doing what I want him to do. He needs to be trained up to do God's will, which is to submit to rightful authority... which means that we, as his parents, often have to submit to the authority of the Lord who commands us to do the hard, labor-intensive work of focusing on training our children... even when we'd rather be doing something else.